Down time

I'm a bachelorette this week with Ryan being out of town, so each night provides a dose of time alone that I don't often get being a married woman. I notice the amount of time we spend together, since earlier in my twenties I preferred to get quite a lot of time by myself. Whether in college, when I lived with roommates or while traveling, I used to go on long drives home between Seattle and Leavenworth alone, spend hours in coffee shops reading and writing alone, visit gardens and parks or other indulgences or was generally wandering away from the crowd to get some air and space to think and breathe.

Moving to a new place together where we didn't know a soul changed our lives in many ways. The increase of dependence in our relationship manifested itself in a noticeable way: boatloads, lots-a, tons-a time together, which, surprisingly- against all odds- turned out to be a wonderful thing. After three months living together it occurred to me, "Ryan is the only person I hang out with! Whoa." That changed once we got to know some friends and started eating taco's every Tuesday at a local pub, but in general, we ate, breathed, slept and did everything as a couple. And we still do, really.

At this point in our lives, I truly enjoy doing all the little parts of life together. I know that might change, but I think of it as a gift that we can spend this much time together. I love running errands together, him walking to the train station with me as I leave in the morning or picking me up after work, and going to the grocery store together (even though some of our worst fights occur in the aisles, generally due to my wandering and indecisive nature and his lack of patience for said behavior).

So here I am, alone on the sofa in our new apartment with free time and wondering what it was I meant to do then next time I had time alone... Cooking and music are always staples. A few phone calls are in order. A bit of housework... But what else? I feel a part of myself that needs reconnecting to a side that doesn't get much attention these days.

I can't imagine how women with babies find any time for themselves, but I wonder if that's a natural part of life's cycle? Learning to be with and around others. There's surely a balance to all of this, but for now, my quest remains in how to optimize having a little time by myself this week. Is optimize too objective? Perhaps. Maybe I can just be, sit, breathe, and enjoy. That feels optimal.

{photos by Jonathan via all the mountains}